fly me to the moon

>> July 10, 2007

::Walau kita cuba sembunyi; Namun terlihat segalanya yang tersimpan di hati::

not really in my element right now. rasa mcm sume org nak naikkan darah aku lately. esp family aku la kot, sbb dgn diorg je yg aku makan, tidur n tinggal sekali setakat ni.

ada sekali tu aku mcm bising2 kat abang aku sbb apetah. sekali dia ckp kat adik aku, "akak awak ni xleh handle stress. kalau stress je mula la nak marah2." terkejut n membuatkan aku terfikir la gak, sbb selama ni aku ingatkan aku ni tough orangnya. heh, tula kot sbbnya susah org nak amik aku kerja dgn diorg. i don't seem confident enough to be one of them.

betul ke aku x tahan tekanan? sbb selama 25 thn aku hidup ni, thn ni yg aku rasa yg plg aku susah nak bersabar. tah berapa byk dosa dah agaknya duk marah2 org, sumpah seranah org sume. agaknya tuh sbb aku selesa duk kat US dulu. pikir pasal diri sendiri je, x yah susah nak pikir pasal parents aku ke, adik-beradik aku ke. well, dulu pikir la gak, tapi sampai situ je. pikir.

maybe one of the reasons i'm acting like an a** is because i care. maybe the way i show it is not right, but that's the way i am. kalau aku x peduli pasal org tu, xde keja aku nak bising2 pasal org tu. xde masa aku nak risau2 psl org tu. tapi plg tension kalau aku rasa aku je yg duk risau2, tapi org lain x kisah pun. either they don't care, or they care but they don't show it. show me some support, pls!

tah aa, tapi betul la kot abg aku ckp. bila aku rasa aku dah kisah pasal org tu, aku cepat tension kalau org tu buat sth yg aku rasa xkan bawa kebaikan pdnya, or bawa keburukan pd org lain. n my family alone is enough to make my life a miserable one. in a good way, actually. just not really good for my emotional well-being. sakit otak laaa.

kinda hoping this is only a temporary, PMS-fueled thing. ya Allah, tenangkanlah hidup hambaMu yg lemah ini...

ok chiow.

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