do or die

>> March 09, 2010

::It is better to die on your feet than live on your knees.::

as much as i hate to admit it, i crack under pressure. dump everything on my shoulder, and i would turn into a grumpy 80-
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i don't remember when i wrote that. a week ago? last monday?

i do have a lot of stuffs worth writing about on my mind. but most of them are just rants. and some of them are just too specific anybody would've guessed what/who i'm writing about. bahaya woo kena saman kang heheh.

i once complained: "eee x acinya...". my friend then corrected me: "dunia / manusia mmg x pernah adil. Allah je yg Maha Adil." oh betapa betulnya pernyataan itu. even so i still want to complain. apsal laaa wujud ketidakadilan di dunia yg fana ini?

XPSP3 is still under 'verifying the download' status. wha? dah balik makan pun still x abis2 lagi? or should i cancel n restart? ---> ni case tiba2 pc crashed when i was busy being a hotel mogul. prevention is better than cure

when i started this job i was told that we have certain 'specialties' that we won't find anywhere else. hmm let's see:

i) a workstation of our own: check. but i think everyone of my qualifications is entitled to that. ok laa kira advantage jugak la sbb printer telefon pc sorang satu. come to think of it, we should get a room of our own. but hey, who's listening?
ii) nobody would bother us without reason since even the nature of our job doesn't require us to meet other ppl: pffft yeah right.
iii) no lobbying, fighting, etc because this is one of the "kenaikan tanpa kekosongan" job. pffft. enough said.

so why am i still here? call me delusional, but i still think there's gold at the end of the rainbow. still waiting for the sun to shine though.

plus kena bond lima tahun pun, hehe.

ok chiow.

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[...]

>> March 05, 2010

::Absence makes the heart grow fonder.::

so my dad finally got out of ijn after 2 weeks. his advice: if you have to choose between lifelong meds and bypass, choose bypass. ntah la mungkin dia rasa brand new ke x tau la tu. n baru je beberapa hari duk rumah kan, ntah2 lepas ni tiba2 depressed ke. too early to tell. tapi mungkin sbb bapak aku dah x tahan makan ubat lagi byk dari makan nasi.

anyway not everything's going on smoothly. for a diabetic to take good care of >1m of surgery scars (boleh panggil stitches lagi ke? xde jahit2 pun) is not an easy task. ni pun mak aku ckp parut kat dada tu ada nanah. kena gi klinik nak tukar dressing selalu. aaa ngeri siot.

bapak aku ckp before masuk OT tu, doc suh decide nak amik urat kaki mana. so he chose his left leg. sekali bila dah selesai tu, kitorg tgk bukan takat dua2 belah kaki ada belah, kat lutut pun ada sekali. since xde org bgtau apa2 (n kitorg pun x tanya apa2), kitorg assume oo maybe sbb ada 3 blockages, so kena amik 3 urat.

alih2 sehari before bapak aku keluar, doc bgtau yg sebenarnya urat yg dipakai kat kaki kanan tu je. sbbnya mula2 belah kaki kiri, tgk urat terlalu halus. then belah kat lutut pun, terlalu halus jugak. tu last2 amik kaki kanan tu. last2 berparut semua kaki. nasib pulak kena yg mmg ada kencing manis. tu yg lama duk kat ijn tu, nak tunggu sugar level turun. heh nak turun mcm mana, asal kitorg nak dtg visit je pesan mi rebus la, laksa la, chicken chop la, bihun goreng basah la, nasi ayam hainan la.

anyhoo, ckp pasal urat halus ni, aku rasa mmg genetik jugak la kot. teringat aku dulu konon2 nak gi derma darah kan, after years of trying asyik xleh je sbb kurang iodin (nak cari / masak / makan ayam@daging time tu pun susah), finally masa final year iodine level ok. uu gembira la sekejap.

tapi x lama. bila nurse cucuk jarum, tgk2 darah x keluar. aku x tau la salah ingat ke apa, tapi jarum tu besar, mcm audio plug. boleh pulak bila x jumpa tu, dia mcm pusing2kan jarum tu (while the jarum is still under my skin). time ni aku ok lagi, tapi mmg sakit x terkata la. siap tutup mata dgn tangan lagi, a failed attempt to counter the pain haha. lepas tu nurse tu ckp sbb darah x keluar tu, dia nak try the other arm. still the same thing happened. ya Allah seriously sakit sgt, tak pernah seingat aku sakit mcm tu. bila nurse tu tanya, "are u alright?" mungkin sbb dah x tertahan (or terharu dgn nurse yg concerned itu), apa lagi mengalir la air mata. sambil berair mata tu aku ckp, "it h-hurts." <--- nak menggambarkan betapa sakitnya aku time tu. haha x ingat pun ada gagap2 ke x.

nurse tu pun agaknya dah menggelabah bila aku dah nangis tu, dia pun terus x jadi amik darah. aku pun x berapa ingat sgt apa jadi lepas tu. yg pastinya aku dpt 1 big choc chip cookie. (somehow i think that was the main reason i wanted to donate blood in the 1st place).

ah, berjaya jugak jumpa gambar jarum tu. proof that i'm not bluffing:
x ke rupa audio plug tu?

and sampai sekarang aku still takut nak derma darah lagi. x sure takut darah x keluar lagi ke, ataupun takut ternangis depan org ramai. social suicide tu oi.

ok chiow.

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