sila jadi penyibuk

to all fathers / mothers / brothers / sisters,

please get to know your sons / daughters / siblings' friends, boyfriends and girlfriends. know their whereabouts, know where they will be sleeping tonight, etc. don't let them make stupid decisions that will cause them their dignity, their future. especially during celebration time like tonight's merdeka celebration. ESPECIALLY if they're minors.

tak pasal2 bertambah ahli keluarga lagi 9 bulan. atau keluar paper for statutory rape.

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4th of july... dan nisfu syaaban

::Forgiveness does not always lead to a healed relationship. Some people are not capable of love, and it might be wise to let them go along with your anger. Wish them well, and let them go their way.::

the above quote is out of nowhere, i know. saja nak cari quotes yg ada kaitan dgn july, and the above quote popped out. it was published in July. kinda deep. meh.

doesn't feel any difference here. just like any other 4th of july hehehe. oh but assassin's creed 3 is gonna be released today! in the US that is. argh sgt jeles. in a bit of a dillema also. kalau nak main game2 baru aku kena upgrade x360. tapi dgrnya kalau dah upgrade, dah x compatible dgn old games, which is sgt bykkk lagi yg aku x main lagi. asyik segan je nak gi rumah SIL amik game lama. segan ke rasa inappropriate camtula.

on another note, nisfu syaaban is on the 5th. more about it here: http://hikmah.org.my/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=247:mengenali-bulan-syaaban-a-malam-nisfu-syaaban&catid=34:lain-lain&Itemid=79

heard something the other day. ada anak ofismate aku telah meninggal dunia akibat tersedak susu. masa berborak2 tu, my boss said, "ada hikmahnya. baby tu dah ada dah tempatnya kat syurga. kita ni je yg tak tau lagi tempat kita, syurga ke neraka ke." aaa tgh taip ni pun rasa syahdu. kat mana aku ni? dgn amalan yg masih byk kurang, dgn dosa yg tah hari2 masih buat :(

selamat beramal.

ok chiow.

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after all this time

::Love all, trust a few. Do wrong to none.::


been a while.


so the other day i was listening to red.fm playing the song "all cried out." quite a hit when i was in form 2-5 (haha forgive the big range, i'm getting olllldder). biasa la zaman tu mana ada internet utk rakyat biasa, so whatever things you know, you got it from magazines or papers or tv shows, or from somebody else who got it from magazines or papers or tv shows.


and biasa la zaman dgr radio ramai2 kat dorm or study lounge, when it was too quiet for comfort, we would start talking about the song, or the mood that relates to the song. aku selalu ada masalah ni, bila senyap sangat jadi uncomfortable. tapi nak jadi topic starter mmg susah la, sbb x byk pun topik yg aku tau hehe. i remember when we were all listening to boysiimen's song "Mama", suddenly we started talking about homesickness. haha tapi lepas tu jadi lagi senyap sbb sume org tgh layan perasaan. but... i digress.


ok back to the song all cried out. as usual we talked about the song. ada org tanya eh sapa nyanyi ni, then ada org jawab group allure. then ada org lain mencelah ni all-girls group, then ada org kata eh tapi dalam lagu tu ada mcm suara laki, then ada org jawab tulah tapi ni sume pompuan, then ada org komen waa suara macam laki. (i was one of the 'org's mentioned, don't remember which one though).


tadi mcm baru terfikir nak tgk vclip lagu nih. guess what: the song was not entirely sung by allure, but it also featured 112, a boyband! ceh tertipu... yg part suara laki tu mmg laki betul laaa. iye2 je bertahun2 aku percaya yg suara mcm laki tu sebenarnya pompuan jugak.


err so... ignorant or gullible?


sebenarnya still x percaya yg aku x pernah tau pasal ni. ke aku tau tapi i wasn't able to put 2 and 2 together, i.e. lembab?


not a big issue really. but it makes me wonder, what kind of person i am. haha i think i should put some meaningful sentences between "big issue" and "kind of person" to get my point across, but i seriously don't know how to elaborate it any further. tah, maybe i need to learn on when to trust everything that's been said, or when to search for additional info / truth on what's being said.


ok chiow.


p/s husband irma hasmie sgt hensem! lol

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Mobile blogging

Testing testing ^testing

posted from Bloggeroid

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To Him We Belong

today my arwah abang would've turned 33.

sometimes i only thought of him as going somewhere for some conferences or out-of-state jobs, and he would be back soon.

it would take me seconds to realize that it will never happen.

abang would never come back. ever.

and that makes me miss him even more.

The only thing that comforts me is when i think that Allah loves him more than we do.


Al-fatihah.

10 Feb 1979 - 17 Jan 2012

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New Year

::The reason of a resolution is more to be considered than the resolution itself.::

allo (yea sudah bertukar).

busy sungguh... selaras dgn perkembangan ekonomi semasa haha.

anyway aku saja nak letak azam untuk tahun 2012... sbb bila dah publish, malu la pulak kalau tak follow kan. err ni pun sebab sebenarnya facilitator time team building yg aku gi dulu suh buat 3 objektif yg perlu dicapai sampai bulan mac nih. alang2, aku buat jadi azam terus.

1. lose some weight be healthy n fit(ter)
masalah ni xde la kronik mana (konon hehe), tapi aku rasa rakyat mesia sekarang makin mengecik. kalau aku tgk gambar, sume sama je rendah, sama je saiz. even though aku tinggi (konon jugak), kalau boleh biarlah org nampak ketinggian je bila tgk gambar aku, bukan kelebaran sekali.

yang penting, nak kasi nampak fit siket. at least, perut x membonjol. seriously susah nak sorok ok.

in realizing that, i'm currently taking some swimming lessons, and occasionally doing sauna. acewah... swimming sbb opis bayar, sauna sbb dah ada portable sauna kat rumah.

progress: nil. swimming baru sekali kelas, itu pun dah penat lenguh badan segala, nampak sgt x fit huwaa. sauna org ckp bagus buat 3 kali seminggu; yg seminggu aku dpt 3 kali baru sekali jek. timbang berat tgk kat nombor sama jek. tapi being a half-glass-full type of person, hey, at least it doesn't increase, right? right?


2. kurangkan perbelanjaan benda lagha belanja berhemah
utk simpanan masa depan... dengan kadar inflasi yg agak tinggi sekarang nih (~8%), aku kena menyimpan dgn lebih byk to compensate incoming price hike. dan juga angan-angan aku, andai ditakdirkan bernikah kahwin, kalau boleh nak guna duit sendiri auww. err tapi ni mcm susah gak, sbb sekarang sume nak grand belaka. dan memudahkan beli new wardrobe apabila azam #1 tercapai (konon).

steps taken: utilizing andromoney, one-stop for tracking and evaluating (and condemning) your expenses. you can set your yearly / monthly budget, and it will notify you if you're reaching a certain limit ('you've used 100% of your total budget!'). tiap2 hari aku update belanja aku kat sini, mmg boleh nampak la kat mana aku byk habiskan duit.

progress: sucks. aku dah la set bajet aku 100% dari gaji bersih, bulan ni yg baru nak masuk 3 minggu punya bajet dah -ve. big spender? entahlah... yg pastinya bulan ni mmg bertambah siket sbb azam #1 (mcm byk pun ko spend utk kelas berenang tu tet grrr). oh lupa pulak, perfume dah habis. cleanser pun dah habis.

kalau tahun ni xde bonus mati la aku. usahkan nak menyimpan, mcm lagi korek simpanan lagi ada.


3rd one? i haven't decided yet. lagipun faci tu nak aku simpan bukti yg menunjukkan effort terhadap objektif tu. mcm kalau azam #1 boleh tunjuk beza berat (atau paling koman pun tunjuk gambar aku gi kelas hehe), azam #2 lak boleh tunjuk expense chart or whatnot.

apa lagi objektif yg aku boleh capai dlm masa terdekat yg boleh menghasilkan sesuatu utk dijadikan bukti?

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no limit

::The supreme accomplishment is to blur the line between work and play.::

one fine day in kota kinabalu, aku masuk ke kedai mesra petronas sbb nak cucuk duit. selepas urusan, aku pun bergegas ke pintu utk keluar, sbb x nak org lain tunggu. by org lain i mean my mother and a few makciks and pakciks and cousins.

on the way nak keluar tu, tiba2 kedgran lagu moves like jagger. sayup2 je gitu. terus aku gelabah. bukak beg. masa tu baru aku teringat, my ringtone is no longer that maroon 5's song. by that time dah terlewat aah, adik cashier tu dah tgk aku lain mcm je. mesti dia pelik, apsal minah ni tiba2 rotate badan pastu dgn kalutnya bukak beg, pastu senyum sorang2. gila ke apa.

i never cease to amaze me.

sometimes i wonder, what do ppl think when they see me. heck do they even see me.

not like i like being seen. i mean, if it's for the wrong reasons.

daym tiba2 teringat one of my bosses yg tau aku gi camping kat hutan belum, ada la borak2 dgn dia. aku cerita la ada air terjun, xde bilik air. sekali bos tanya, "mandi la kat air terjun tu?" zuppp terus mata dia scanned my body. @##$&% betulla aku rasa time tu. terus rasa nak tahan nafas pun ada (sbb perut agak buncit hehe). tapi aaaa benci aa kalau jadi mcm tu. i felt violated. okay maybe i'm exaggerating, but still, can anybody feel comfortable when ppl feast their eyes on you (okay xde la feast sgt pun, more like a sip of some bitter tea je kot). and i'm not even good looking to begin with. mcm mana la yg duk pakai sexy 24/7 boleh tahan dgn mata2 semua org.

so i come up with a conclusion: when you have a protruding belly, and you're wearing a baju kurung, your V stands out a wee bit too much. don't ask me to explain what i mean by V. how's that for motivation?

ok chiow.

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the way we see it

::The actions of men are the best interpreters of their thoughts.::


it's been a while.

not much of an update (i don't think it ever is... hehe), just trying to jot down sth that might as well been forgotten but worth mentioning.

ingat nak cerita pasal trip ke gold coast dan geneva/munich (dan hutan belum!), tapi seriously malas... and my storytelling skills have gone haywire. more importantly, i'm starting to lose grip on how to make readers to stay until the last letter / character. more and more bloggers, fb-ers, twitters (or tweeters? twitterers?) and other online portals make much more sense than i ever will be... rasa kerdil gila baca penulisan org lain. but deleting this is not an option. i love writing, i love knowing other ppl read my writings. i love imagining that somewhere out there, there are ppl who still think that what i wrote matters. haha tunggang terbalik betul la ko ni tet. kejap suka kejap tak. oh what the hell.

there's this one time while i was in munich, we participants were invited to join in on a tour to deutsches museum. masa tunggu our private guide tu, borak2 dgn examiner dari EPO (european patent office). dia tanya sorang2 dari mana, what do you think of munich, how do you like it here, etc. oh let me introduce the participants:

...or not. senang cerita, ada 3 major groups: the arabs (peserta dari jordan n saudi), the bosnians (dari bosnia - 3 org), the russians (uzbek, tajikistan, belarus). mmg obvious la group2 ni, sbb berckp dlm bahasa diorg. so yg tinggal aku n examiner from republic of korea. so EPO examiner ni ckp la sth like "oo diorg sume ada group masing2, korang berdua pun boleh buat group la.. the asian group." pastu boleh pulak examiner korea ni ckp, "yes we are getting more intimate with each other."

darn time tu aku dah mcm blur jap. i was like, "hmm i wonder if he means 'intimate' as 'getting to know each other better' or the other kind of intimate", tapi dlm hati je la. sbb korean ni pun english xde la perfect, mcm biasa la ada salah translate sana sini. so dgn bersangka baiknya, aku assume org lain pun paham yg kenal dgn lebih rapat gitu la.

tapinyaa..... EPO examiner ni boleh buat tgn mcm 'ok stop there... TMI' sambil sebut "whoa." siottttt now i'm pretty sure he misinterpreted it as the other kind of intimate. pastu aku lak serba-salah. patut ke aku nak betulkan salah tanggapan dia tu? ke aku je yg salah paham semua benda? tapi masa tu aku rasa mcm awkward gila aah. ciss betulla.

haha sekian cerita picisan utk kali ini.

ok chiow.

cerita tergantung xde penutup.

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rock bottom

::Regret for the things we did can be tempered by time; it is regret for the things we did not do that is inconsolable.::

have you ever felt that you did something so horrible, you know there is no way to atone for that... misdoing.

or that you wanted to regret the things you've done, but even the tears could not give you the comfort you badly needed. to signal that there is hope.

in short: you feel hopeless. doomed. marred. scarred.

is that even possible?

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reminiscence

haha almost terlupa kewujudan sesi ini. nasib baik ada google+ hehe.

rupa2nya aku x letak langsung eh gambar konvo kat sini. letak kat fb je. yg ni punya sesi lagi la, sesi amik skrol rasanya, the week after convocation week. ada aku, k syud n ily je. rasanya dah puasa dah time ni. merata kitorg pi nak amik gambar, dgn gambar kat depan pintu gerbang lagi. haha malu seh.. oh jap ini gambarnya:

siap org hon2 lagi kat situ, ye la simpang empat yg ada traffic light tu. ah lantak, kenangan terindah ni tau hehe.

would i repeat it? erm not sure. penat aah belajar buat assignment stay up research gi library and whatnot. best mmg best, tapi the 'x best' part pun byk gak. xpe la pengalaman.

ok chiow.

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that time of the year?

::Envy is like a fly that passes all the body's sounder parts, and dwells upon the sores.::

di suatu senja di musim nan lalu mlm, baru lepas makan apetah. aku basuh mulut kat singki, pastu capai area leher baju aku nak lap mulut, pastu tiba2 rasa mcm pedih kat bibir. i was like, uish xkan lap mulut guna baju terus terluka bibir kot? pastu aku tgk kat cermin ada mcm satu bunjut cenonet. daym cold sores!

hari ni dah hari ketiga, dia dah makin membengkak. eee benci laaa. aku ni under a lot of stress ke? hmmm maybe la kot. tapi benci laa rasa nak cabut bibir ni nak bilas bersih2.

this weekend dah la ada kursus, next week bertugas pulak. bertambah2 la stres aku ni.

rasa nak amik cuti, pastu duduk diam2 kat tpt yg xde org kacau. mcm ada pun.

ok chiow.

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talk to the hand

Seringkali kau panggil aku

Kau tak peduli waktu tidurku

Dah berkali-kali aku abaikanmu

Hentikanlah, hentikanlah

grrrr

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benefit sharing

::There is nothing so useless as doing efficiently that which should not be done at all.::

i know it's a bit late, but... RAMADHAN MUBARAK!

let's talk about public speaking. not, let's not.

aku sgt tak suka jadi center of attention. aku x suka semua org tertumpu kat aku, eyeing my every movement. aku akan cepat rasa gelabah, rasa sumbang-mambang je langkah tu. and for that reason, i don't like speaking in front of an audience. having a conversation, gossiping, no problemo. kasi talk? ceramah? NO. maybe it depends on who my audience is. mcm kalau kawan2 sendiri, maybe aku x kisah (tapi aku rasa aku kdg2 nervous gak)

last aku buat presentation depan org adalah may last year kot. masa kelas. itu pun ok la, sbb classmate ada <10 orang, pastu sume pun dah kenal since 1st sem. tadi aku kena buat presentation. mula2 kena present time dept meeting. aku fikir ok la, sume pun kenal dah. informal pun. sekali dpt tau kena present depan big boss (loosely used here). masa ni aku sgt cuak, sbb... haha ada la sebabnya. and semlm aku dpt tau kena present depan whole division (ok la exaggerate, 2 depts to be exact). and big boss and his henchmen *gulp*

how did i feel? man i could literally feel sth's racing up my throat. bukan setakat rama2 je, aku rasa ada kr-r-r-raken dlm perut aku ni (kebetulan lak baru makan sotong goreng tepung weekend haritu heheh). sume sakit la aku rasa nak datang; selsema, batuk, demam, tibi, cirit-birit... gila aah rasa nak nangis pun ada.

pagi tadi, aku rasa mcm nak gi pengsan je kat mana-mana. nak sorok kat toilet pastu tutup lampu sume. the moment right before i started my presentation, aku rasa nak lari keluar. i could barely pronounce the 1st syllable i should say. kawan2 aku pun cakap, obvious aku nervous.

aku rasa aku nervous coz i was so afraid of screwing up. in front of big bosses no less. ye la wey x pasal2 kang ketua ko pun kena balun sekali sbb ada anak buah mcm ni. i was too caught up in that mindset, i let it eat me. lagi rasa nak lari sbb ada satu part tu aku mcm blank. pdhal aku dah rehearse dah mlm tadi. siap aaa aaa aaa kat mic lagi. hahahaha dammit. jatuh reputasi.

sekali sampai satu part tu, big boss tanya aku soalan dgn penuh santai. dan berjaya juga aku jawab. pastu it kinda sparked interest among the participants la (konon, tulis je la colleagues haha). mcm baru la dgr oohh aah. kalau tak dgr org cuci tingkap je.

and susprisingly, lepas tu baru aku ok. kiranya aku rasa mcm excited lak nak ckp. haha pastu kawan aku ckp mcm obvious sgt masa nak sampai part conclusion tu suara aku mcm relieved gila. i mean, CONCLUSION mannn!

adakah aku ketakutan kerisauan tu hanyalah utk sesuatu yg tiada? maybe. moral of the story: don't let fear hold you back. it's all in your mind.

and of course, it helps if you actually know what you're talking about.

relieved? you betcha.

ok chiow.

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kenangan silam

::So live that your memories will be part of your happiness.::

aku baru perasan friendster dah ubah wajah. well somebody did tell me friendster was moving towards becoming entertainment-oriented, but i thought it would be add-on to the existing friendster. that our old profiles, pics etc would still be there. darn i was wrong. terlepas lak notice kata nak delete sume tu.

blog lama aku dah hilang! sob sob.

padan la haritu aku try masuk chrome ckp x jumpa page. ingatkan ofis yg block ke, ada tukar apa2 kasi xleh ke, under maintenance ke. cis cis cis.

mcm ni la aku rasa masa my 1st blog dulu kena delete. haha not exactly my blog, blog yg ada byk writers, tapi aku je yg semangat tulis hehe. moderator bukan aku pulak tu, mmg hak dia la nak delete ('thanks' for the heads up, hilmi! ;p).

tiba2 je rasa fehlong jap. kenangan tuu... and boleh nampak my writing skills have gone downhill. biasa la dulu semangat nak cuba new words and phrases. sekarang ni grammar pun dah tunggang-langgang. budak urban lepasan pmr pun lagi power rasanya.

hopefully this one can live up to its predecessors. haha like they have a good rep to begin with.

ok chiow.

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no questions asked

::Be extremely subtle, even to the point of formlessness. Be extremely mysterious, even to the point of soundlessness. Thereby you can be the director of the opponent's fate.::

sorry...

lama siot x update. busy aah. well not that busy. i just don't have the mood.

been questioning myself lately. aku rasa lagi aku meningkat umur ni, bakti dan jasa pd diri sendiri, keluarga, negara, agama etc makin kurang. aku pun dah x tau apa purpose aku kat dunia ni (no i'm not saying i'm considering suicide or have given up hope or anything). aku just rasa aku lagi byk buat dosa je. lagi byk buang masa.

ah mainan perasaan je tu. syuh syuh gi main jauh2.

aku tau, setiap perkara yg terjadi tu ada sebabnya. utk menguji. makanya, adakah aku tewas?

apa aku mengarut nih hehe.

org kata bila kita hendak dptkan sesuatu, kita kena usaha. kena improve. sekarang ni aku rasa byk lagi benda yg aku x dpt lagi. so by right aku kena usaha dan perbaiki sesuatu utk dptkan benda2 itu. but right now, i think i've been doing the same things for the past 2 years or so. maybe i've changed the method here and there, but nevertheless my life's pretty much the same. so based on the lack of effort / improvement, would i get what i want? NO.

thing is, i'm so content with where i am at the moment, i don't want to jinx it. i just want to let things to be just the way they are. if changes are needed, then it won't come from me. let the nature do the talking (or walking?).

penakut? maybe. atau aku yg x mau salah langkah. i'm too old to test the water. i'd rather analyze the details and characteristics of the water then delve right into it (or not, depending my analysis).

gila poetic. haha lantak ah. otak bercelaru.

ok chiow.

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