the veiled intention

::A hypocrite is a person who--but who isn't?::

hulloh.

the 1st time i ever heard someone said it was in one of ANTM episodes (yes, i do watch them hehe). don't remember which cycle, or which contestant, but you know lah how it goes in a reality show: one always wants to outshine another, by any means necessary. the contestants were arguing over the unadaptability of one of them with other ppl, etc. then that person said, "this is not american's next top... best friend."

i remember thinking, "kerek gila minah ni. x nak kawan org... sure ko x menang." and that's about it.

until recently, when somebody said to me about our other friend, "lantaklah, i dtg sini bukan nak buat kawan, i dtg nak belajar." and again some 2 mths later, within that same circle of friends. err can i say it's a selfish thing to say? sbb bila sume baik belaka, mengaku kawan, tapi once we're hurt, suddenly we're in a i-won't-bother-to-know-you-if-not-for-this-stupid-thingy kind of relationship.

then again, sometimes i do think that way. sth like, at the end of the day, there's always a wall dividing us, and i don't intend to break that wall. esp when things don't go the way i want la kan hehe. err is that normal? or should i treat everybody equally?

maybe it all comes down to how we define friends. i, for one, won't certainly befriending anyone just because he/she could benefit me in terms of that he/she could bail me out whenever i got into trouble, or give me further discounts during sale. mcm mak aku selalu ckp pasal kawan2 bapak aku la. dah pencen sume senyap. kalau x, sibuk je tunjuk muka kasik hadiah itu ini.

how to get friends is one thing; how to keep friends? yg ni aku admit aku mmg lemah bab ni. i don't think i like to go out that much, and i don't think i like to talk that much, so by ppl's general definition mmg aku x best diajak borak la agaknya. also most probably because i decline invitations more than i accept, so gradually the offer decreases. not that i mind though, i really don't know what to talk about when i go out. i'd rather listen. so sometimes i don't know what to say when ppl ask me, "kenapa diam je? apa cite terbaru?" (damn apakah ini? self-pity? hehe)

lagipun, just because we don't keep ourselves updated about each other, doesn't mean we aren't friends anymore, right? friendship is much more complex than that. kalau x sama je la mcm main any sim games je: x contact, putus kawan (which is why i suck big time in sim-alike games... xde keja aku tiap2 hari nak call kawan2 sume). erk, life imitates art? or is it because i think friends are 2nd wayyyy below family?

also, i think i've seen enough of ppl change because of their friends; good and bad. in some way, i don't want to be influenced by the things i want to avoid (they won't call it peer pressure for nothing), and another thing, i want to escape the responsibility of making things right. while the 'right' stuff for me may not be 'right' for others, still i don't want to go home thinking, "what the hell happened?"

no, i'm not wallowing in self-pity. i'm not trying to blame anybody. i'm just analyzing. re-evaluating. should i change the way i perceive life? or am i still in the right direction? or are these just made-up excuses?

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ok chiow.